Insecurity

Poem

A whirlwind of pity,
a loss of pride,
Extreme insecurity,
bound to my side.

A mountain of emotion,
a puddle of hope,
fear entwined,
no way to cope.

A complete disaster,
impossible to fix,
love and hate,
an impressible mix.

Remarkable outcome,
unspoken words,
actions shout,
no sound heard.

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It’s a New Year, Mom…

Notes to Others..., Uncategorized

Happy Frigg’n New Year Mom,

This past year, 2016, is now over and 2017 is upon us. I can truly say that I am not sad to see the end of that year. It was one of those years where the negative events certainly outweighed the positive ones. I pray 2017 is more willing to bestow happier times upon our family than 2016 offered. One of the more meaningful events 2016 offered was the continued and now much stronger relationship we have with Elizabeth. I would love it if she lived closer, but she is doing very well where she is living and I’m so proud of her! She is the beautiful, intelligent and independent young girl I always knew she would be but never knew for sure if I would get the opportunity to be any part of watching her growth. It took many years of waiting, crying, and praying but it happened, Mom. Finally! Beth is back and now that we have been able to revive our relationship with her, I’m never letting her go ever again!

This past year, 2016, is now over and 2017 is upon us. I can truly say that I am not sad to see the end of that year. It was one of those years where the negative events certainly outweighed the positive ones. I pray 2017 is more willing to bestow happier times upon our family than 2016 offered. One of the more meaningful events 2016 offered was the continued and now much stronger relationship we have with Elizabeth. I would love it if she lived closer, but she is doing very well where she is living and I’m so proud of her! She is the beautiful, intelligent and independent young girl I always knew she would be but never knew for sure if I would get the opportunity to be any part of watching her growth. It took many years of waiting, crying, and praying but it happened, Mom. Finally! Beth is back and now that we have been able to revive our relationship with her, I’m never letting her go ever again! 

Milestones were met this year with Nick turning 18 and Isaiah turning 16. Both of them still have their individual struggles but all I can do is my best. Thankfully, I’m not in this alone because I have been blessed with Michael to help raise the boys to not only the best of my ability but to the best of OUR abilities! We will lead them to the water, however, as I’ve told you many times, lol, we can’t make them drink. They know they will sink in order to swim if need be. I certainly hope they do not call our bluff because doing so will be a huge mistake on their behalf. “Calling my bluff” in particular isn’t the way to go about gaining favor with me. I certainly hope they know that by now and do not choose to put me in the position where I will have to stand my ground and “be the bad guy.” Hell, I’m used to it,… I believe it is only in their best interest to not enable them. Enabling poor behavior or a lack of responsibility will only be a greater disservice to them as they proceed with their futures. So, I’m certainly praying Nick (because he will be faced with choices this June upon graduation that will impact his future greatly) does what he needs to do in order to become the man we’ve raised him to be. If that is going to happen, he has a lot of work to do between now and then. He has the knowledge, it’s up to him to apply it.

All of Michael’s hard work and dedication over the years has finally paid off career-wise. He fought and clawed his way through multiple interviews and tests and landed an awesome job that reduces his driving time to work over an hour a day and in addition rewards him with quite a remarkable starting salary rate! It’s a blessing to know that he is committed to supporting his family.

There were multiple losses of loved ones and many relationships ended in 2016 as well. Regardless of the reason, it is sad when there just is not a means of reconciliation because each party believes that they are acting in their own best interest and in some cases in the best interest of the other party as well. For the most part, I would say most separations, in my opinion, have been justified; however, the severed relationships over the election results are ones that I believe are senseless. But that is obviously just my opinion. The result of Donald J. Trump becoming the 45th President of the United States of America are finalized. Whether you agree or disagree doesn’t matter at this point. It is what it is, period. So united, rather than divided, our country should work together to rebuild America and at least earn the respect back from other nations that think America is nothing more than a big joke. But, this is a typical example of when I believe people should agree to disagree for the common good. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible for many! In conclusion, I’m staying optimistic about 2017 but I’m also a realist. I have some goals set that I plan to reach but you know me; I’ll always be waiting for the next shoe to drop. I hope you are resting well, Mom! Give Genesis my love and I’ll be seeing ya!

All My Love,

♥Sherri♥

A Memory of my “Mam-Mam”

Thoughts about my Loved Ones

Today, I’d like to share a memory of my “Mam-Mam,” Ruth (Wall) Graeff with my readers .I suppose a brief introduction would be helpful in understanding why this memory is so profound in my mind. “Mam-mam” was the name given to her by her second eldest grandchild and so that is what all of the rest of us younger grandchildren learned to call her. April was the eldest grandchild, however, she called Mam-Mam “B. Mom.” I think I know where that came from but I’m really not sure, but I digress… 

Mam-mam was a very loving, kind, heart-warming little old woman. She loved to sing or tell nursery rhythms, little”ditties” and bedtime stories whenever her grandchildren would spend the night at her house. I absolutely loved to spend the night at Mammy’s house as a child! The memory I’m about to share with you is about the time my Mam-Mam took me to get my hair cut. Let’s title it, “Lesson learned; haircut disaster!” 

My hair is and always has been very thin. I recall how my Mam-Mam would always tell me how she preferred my hair short anytime she noticed that it was getting a bit on the long side. I was five years old when I learned a very important lesson in life simply from my Mam-Mam taking me to get my hair cut. On this particular Saturday, Mam-Mam decided to take me “uptown” to a school called Empire Beauty School to have my hair cut. Since the students performed the haircuts, the cost was much cheaper than going to an actual hair salon and getting your hair cut by a licensed hairstylist. I wasn’t given a choice in the style of how my hair was to be cut, so I graciously sat in the big chair and allowed the female student to cut my hair. Unbeknownst to me and Mam-Mam, the student chose to cut my hair, but it certainly was not a style. Upon seeing myself in the mirror when the student announced she was finished, I broke out in tears and screamed, “it looks horrible!” With that, I jumped out of the chair and ran out of the school screaming and crying the entire way.

Even though I was only five years old, my memory of what to come is very vivid. When my grandmother finally caught up to me running down the sidewalk towards home, I was still screaming and crying at the top of my lungs with huge tears flowing down my small face. I stopped and looked her in the eyes and yelled at her saying “I am so ugly now! Thanks a lot, Mam-Mam! This is all your fault, look at me!” I proceeded my terror run towards her house with the faint sound of my Mam-Mam begging me to be quiet because everyone could hear me. At that point in my five-year-old life, I didn’t care who heard me at all. I only cared about stopping in front of each store to review my reflection in the store front’s window to see if by chance some miracle was performed where what looked back at me would change. However, each window reflected the same image sparking me to launch into another burst of rage. Eventually, we made it back to her house where I sulked the entire time I waited for my mother to pick me up. When my mother arrived, being the sweet and innocent granddaughter I was, I gave my Mam-Mam a kiss and a hug, told her that I loved and forgave her for what she did to me and proceeded to walk out the front door and into my mother’s car. Could I have added any more salt to her wound?Obviously, she did nothing wrong, but there was not anyone in the world that would convince me otherwise in that phase of my maturity that if it was not for her taking me to get my hair cut, I would not be so traumatized! It seemed accurate; at the time

It is true that the haircut was absolutely terrible. I can assure you of that 34 years later. I sincerely hope that the girl who executed such a ghastly haircut received a great amount of additional training  or perhaps even chose a different profession to pursue. But what I remember most of all, beyond the haircut itself, is the expression on the face of my poor grandmother who simply was trying to do something she felt was kind and in my best interest. Her face’s expression can only be defined as that of extreme helplessness, sorrow, and guilt. I did not understand it then, but her intentions were not that of hate. How was she to know that the student was going to literally butcher my hair? There is no doubt in my mind that my Mam-Mam was more distraught over the results of my haircut than I could even begin to imagine. The life lesson learned when reflecting on this memory is that before I pass judgment on someone’s actions, I must consider their intentions of their action and their ability to change the results.