This is my journey through "physical life" as a self admitted sinner who has hurdled devastating and traumatic obstacles that have only been conquered because I've been saved by the blood of Christ and have complete trust in His Word; "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." ~Deuteronomy 31:6 (KJV)~ These are my writings (stories, poems, rants & rambles) composed during some of the most intimate times of my life – times of torment and struggle; times of happiness and satisfaction. I will end my "earthly journey" some day; sooner than later, which is when I will begin my "eternal life" journey. Here is where I will meet My Almighty Father; the maker of Heaven and earth. I will spend eternity in His Glorious Kingdom praising the Great I Am! But until that day is upon me, I will continue this pilgrimage battling through this brief yet very important "physical life" searching for my "earthly" purpose. Feel free to join me on my adventure… God Bless Everyone's Soul! I will pray for you all!
(Originally published in Facebook Notes — Just copied it over to my blog- Original Post Date; September 9, 2016)
I guess it’s time to remind myself of a life lesson that I became very familiar with many moons ago because it’s become quite apparent I am not practicing this lesson right now in my every day life. It’s very easy to understand, but it has admittedly brought difficultly into my life more times than I care to count.Most people know or have at least heard the phrase, “if something isn’t meant to be, it simply just isn’t going to be” or some kind of statement relating to this. I’ve personally learned I can consume my entire life doing whatever I possibly can to reach a desire or a want because I truly believe I need it so bad in order to be happy. During these times, that life lesson I just spoke of suddenly disappears from my memory and I begin the downward spiral of letting myself go to extremes to obtain my ambition.
This is not my first rodeo with finding myself in this state of mind and I know how this story ends every single time. I’m usually not the only character in this story. There is usually someone else leading me to believe in something that is nothing more than a fantasy. The magnetism of whatever force is pulling me in and it is beyond vigorous. It is overwhelmingly in control of my destination and the actions I take to reach it. So how does the story end you ask? In time I come to my senses and realize that this captivation I am experiencing is just someone’s false front and the fictitious control was just my own obsession for something that was not meant to be.Every time I’ve encountered this story in my life it ends the same way. EVERY TIME! Reality sets in and the writing is clearly written on the wall and I end up muttering through life with that gut wrenching feeling of failure, emptiness and sometimes heart break. I’m talking about that horrendous feeling that just physically hits you so deep you feel the pain in every move you make.
So, if I know how this story ends, why do I let myself get so involved in situations that result in this ending? I know how this ending cripples my well being and I know the strength it takes for me to recover. I’ve summarized easily that this self sacrificing behavior happens to people who havestruggles with not possessing self-confidence,self-esteem and self worth. They maintain the false hope that “maybe this time, this situation will defy the odds…” Hope, I hang on to hope like it’s gold! And for what? It doesn’t matter how much I want it! All situations have so many variables that determine the end result. I know hanging on to a hope, a desire, a goal, a change, anything really that always ends like this only prolongs and increases the pain when it’s time to throw in the proverbial towel.
When I am manipulated into the belief that something is “possible” or “meant to be”, I’ll try everything I can think of to ensure that this time, the saying was wrong and I finally beat the odds! LOL…
Crazy, right? I don’t like to fail. I know no one likes to fail but I have a serious issue with delving into things I want, doing everything I think is right to succeed and be happy only to have the rug pulled out right under my feet. So, to avoid failure and admitting defeat, I try harder, I give more, I convince myself that there has to be something I can do that will grant me what it is I’m seeking or wanting so bad. But… IT NEVER WORKS THAT WAY; AND I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY IN THE HELL I CONTINUE TO SET MYSELF UP TO GET HURT ALL THE TIME! IT’S SO FRUSTRATING TO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I CHOOSE TO ALLOW SITUATIONS INTO MY LIFE THAT I KNOW ARE “NOT MEANT TO BE” AND PROBABLY “SHOULDN’T BE MEANT TO BE” THAT ALWAYS END WITH ME GETTING HURT! I HATE THAT I DON’T BEAR THE ABILITY TO BARRICADE MYSELF FROM THINGS/PEOPLE/DESIRES THAT I KNOW ARE “NOT MEANT TO BE.” AS SOON AS I RECOGNIZE THAT FEELING OF WANTING TO “FORGET ABOUT IT” WHY CAN’T I WALK AWAY? I’M LOST FOR WORDS….
Whew… needed that rant. Sorry…
There is not an overnight cure for this irrational behavior. I’ve tried the “stay busy, don’t think about it, give it time, it’ll get better soon” routine more times than you can imagine. I can not train my heart nor my brain to grasp that type of behavior. I struggle so hard to not give up until I know there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do to make it “meant to be” or even “kind of meant to be.”
Those who know me know I like to utilize a simple statement when I see others blinded by a situation where they don’t have an understanding of the damage they are welcoming into their lives. Even after I spend hours advising these people that the choices they are making are only going to hurt them in the long wrong most still just don’t get it and I have to politely withdraw myself from the advisory board. I am able to walk away thinking to myself,” I’m sorry I tried, but I can’t fix stupid.” Ironically, today I find myself talking to myself saying, “I can’t fix me!” I hate when my own words come back and bite me.
In conclusion, it’s time to do some hard core self evaluating and find some sort of resolution to this very irritating behavior. I need to learn to trust my intuition from the beginning and not allow myself to get wrapped up in a “not meant to be” situation. It’s like dieting. You know what changes you have to make in life in order to lose weight, that’s the easy part. It’s the implementation that sinks you. I know I need to value myself a lot more than I do regardless of my looks and weight. Somewhere inside this enlarged shell is a really kind, loyal, funny, giving, caring girl. I just have to find her and make her grow up and stop allowing situations thatare “not meant to be” or even “right for me” lure me into its captivity.I need to practice self assurance.I have to at least like me in order to conquer bad behavior to gain the attention of social graces.There is the plan…Well, some of it anyway…
***NOTE TO THE READER***
This is not the only behavior or life lesson I find myself battling. I’ve taken note however that each time I find myself in that downward spiral of just “forgetting about” my well being it’s because I’m in pursuit of something I know isn’t good or right for me, but I want it anyway even if it is going to hurt me or have a negative impact on my life in the future.It’s as if I’m self sabotaging.Is that even a thing?