***This blog was originally posted on an old blog of mine on Tuesday, November 20, 2012..***
It’s unfathomable…. The fact that it is nearly three years since you’ve been gone is so hard to believe. It feels like just yesterday that I was able to call you and tell you all about Nickolas’ latest dilemma. (poor kid)… I think that he may have been the only child that baffled you when it came to understanding how or why a child would act in such inconsistent ways and the only child that you couldn’t advise the parent on what to do with “him/her.” LOL… I’m happy to tell you that over the past three years, Nickolas has certainly matured and doesn’t create the difficult dilemmas he once did and has grown up quite a bit. Obviously, because he is still a 14 year old boy he still does things that make me say, “wth???” but for the most part he is finding consistency in his life and even looking to the future discussing desires and goals. So that is a very big improvement since you’ve been gone.
You would be very proud of Isaiah for being such a determined, dedicated, and strong willed young man. At his current age of 12, he shows extreme determination when it comes to “finishing what he started” (such as following through with commitments for extra curricular activities) and dedication to Tang Soo Do training. He is now a 2nd Gup Red Belt which means that he should be able to test for black belt next September or March at the latest. His karate school is participating in a tournament that is being held in South Korea in 2014 (details to come soon) and Isaiah wants to go terribly bad! The downfall is that I have to financially support his desire to compete and I just don’t know how I can possibly come up with that kind of fiscal demand. I have some ideas but I’m waiting for more details from his Tang Soo Do Grand Master on the actual event to implement any kind of fundraiser at this time. I know that if there is any way I can ensure he be able to go and compete in South Korea where Tang Soo Do originated (which is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity), he’ll be there; along with at least myself and maybe Michael and Nick, too. Although karate is his biggest passion, Isaiah is in his 2nd year of playing the trumpet. He doesn’t seem to like or dislike it, so we are kind of in limbo as to his future in trumpet playing. It’s one of those things Michael and I are just waiting on to see if his desire increases or decreases over this school year. He is going to need a new trumpet next year, so he will have to make some kind of a decision by then, but for now he is in band at school with his first concert is scheduled for next month (December, 2012).
As for me, well, you know how it goes… I could always be better, but I can always be a lot worse, too. I struggle a lot without having you here to talk to about everything and anything. I never realized how much I of my life I shared with just you, until you weren’t here to share it with. I haven’t found anyone to replace your ears, however Michael’s mother tries very hard to accommodate my “mommy needs.” Bonnie still is a big help too, but no one will ever replace you and that’s something that I realize but have a hard time accepting, because I miss you so much that I wish someone could fill the void you left in my heart. I wish that when I called Gram or even Bonnie for that matter, that it would be just as good as if I were talking to you. They certainly go above and beyond anything I could ever ask for in terms of mother in laws, but you only have one “mom.” I think that is true of everyone, though. I don’t think anyone can fill the void left in someone’s heart when they leave this physical earth, especially that of a parent, sibling, or child. These bonds are simply just irreplaceable, as much as I hate to admit it.
Dad is doing okay, I suppose. I guess the best he can without you. I thank God everyday that he hasn’t turned into a hermit and isolated himself from the world and for the people that love him. He doesn’t seem to be angry with God for taking you home to be with Him, which makes me very happy. He lives his life one day at a time and simply does what makes him happy without much consideration for doing what would make other people happy. LOL… I don’t say that in a bad way, but he likes to smoke his cigarettes, drink his coffee, torture the employees at WaWa with his silly wit, eat what he wants, drink what he wants, and no one is going to change the way he lives; NO ONE! We (meaning Kelly, Brooke and I) try not to get on his case about his health because he has made it very clear that he doesn’t care about his health because he doesn’t care if he lives or dies. He just chooses to continue living life the way he wants to and if anyone doesn’t like it, “to hell with them”, lol. I totally understand his feelings and even though I wish he had a stronger desire to stay with us as long as possible, I want him to go home and be with you, where he truly wants to be, just as much. He is still the same Dad, willing to help out us kids anyway he can. He is still the same “Fa” or “Fa Ra”, telling his grandchildren to be bold and of course pushing his ideology of “men are better than women” into their curious little brain cells. He is still the same Brother in Law, checking in on Aunt Mary and spending time with her during the week on the avenue and staying in touch with Aunt Fran since Uncle Bruce passed away. He is still the same friend, going to dinner on Saturday nights with his 2nd family, lol. All in all, he does very well emotionally, but everyone knows that when you left him in this physical life to begin your eternal life with the Heavenly Father, you left a gigantic hole in his heart that again, could never be replaced by another. I know his misses you very much, but he doesn’t talk about it. He copes in his own way, just the way he always has and always will.
I talked to Aunt Mary a few days ago, which doesn’t happen as often as it should. I called her to ask her about a term that apparently is common knowledge, but I had never heard of it. To my dismay, she had heard of it and I had to suck it up and admit once again that Michael was right. LOL… Michael was certain you had used the term and therefore, I had to have known it and that everyone else in my family knows it. So, trying to prove him wrong, I called Aunt Mary for backup and well, like I said, backing down is what I got.. LOL… But anyway, whenever we talk, you always come up somehow. She misses you dearly and thinks of you often. She has very supportive children and what seem to be outstanding performing grandchildren that she has her focus on, but I know she misses you and Aunt Linda tremendously. Losing one sister has to be very traumatic, I can’t even imagine losing two sisters all within four months! I don’t even want to try and imagine her pain. She is a survivor, but she is 75 years old now and her aches and pains continue to get worse with age. She makes the best of her life as she always has and is a great support system for Dad. I know she will be very happy to be reunited with you one day, if her name is written in the our Heavenly Father’s Eternal Book of Life. Well, I’ve rambled enough. I just wanted to talk to you because this time of year is extra difficult for me! I talk to you every day, but sometimes it just feels better to talk to you through letters. I have a certain peace when I leave you notes, almost as if you are actually reading them. Who knows? Maybe you are, but I kind of think you’re a bit busy with your eternal family. Give my baby girl great big hugs and kisses for me!! 🙂 Also, please give my love to A. Linda, Mom-mom, Mam-mam, Pop-pop, Lisa, Adam, U. Bruce, Pap-pap, Gramps, Nana Mengel and anyone else you are able to from me… God still needs me here on this earth, but before you know it, I’ll be walking through those pearly gates and joining you in eternity.
I love and miss you so very much, Momma!!!!
Love Your Daughter
Posted by Sherri Mayne at 10:47 PM
So who knew that four years and seven months later I would have a completely different outlook on most of what I wrote above. The fact of the matter is that as you become older; you become much wiser to the people in your life and their motives for being there. Let’s just say, none of this bullshit going on now would be happening if you were still here for several reasons, but mainly because no one would have the balls to do or say the things that they’ve done and said if you and/or Dad were still here… I know you would understand the adjustments that I’ve been forced to make in my life by the circumstances I’ve endured. This self entitled freedom being exercised by extended family members to involve themselves in our (meaning You, Dad, Kelly, Brooke and I) family’s personal family matters is entirely over the top and unacceptable! None of what has ever gone on within our 5 member family has been the business of theirs in the past nor should it be now, but since you and Dad are both gone, they have this ideation that their opinions matter, that they should verbalize their opinions and guarantee that by doing so, ensure that havoc is wreaked among the three of us because they barge in and choose sides. The only reason for this behavior is complete and utter jealousy!
The funniest part is that they only have been able to form an opinion based on hearsay and what they speculate to be the truth. It’s so fucking ridiculous! If they spent as much time taking care of the skeletons falling out of their own closets rather than focusing on mine, perhaps they wouldn’t be so quick to judge. One of these days I am going to publish that autobiography I’ve always talked about and God help all the people that have impacted my life creating difficulty and negative results for me. I didn’t need help having a difficult life so this new added shit is just adding fuel to my fire. When one mother learns how her daughter allowed me to get drunk and molested at the age of 12, we’ll see who gets the last laugh. Karma is a bitch! And like you always told me, “Good things come to those who wait, good things never come to late,” their waiting period is getting shorter and shorter as the days and my fuse burn away faster.
I love and miss you so much, Mom! I pray that somehow you are able to hear my words and be the angel that saves me from just going off the deep end entirely and inflicting the same pain on these people that they’ve freely and happily have inflicted upon me. Rest well!