The Diary of a Sinner
I am a 40 year old married mother of 2 boys (ages 19 & 17), a step-daughter (age 22), and have an angel daughter in Heaven. I suffer from several mental health issues that include panic/anxiety disorder, PTSD, and depression. Somewhere along the way, I lost my desire for everything. I REFUSE to conform to formalities. I no longer have an extended family. I no longer have parents (they both are dead- and every day a part of me dies with them.) I no longer have hobbies, I have one friend. I do not have desires or passions. No one knows the truth about all the hell I’ve been through except God himself! My mantra… TRUST NO ONE! So, I am using this blog as my personal journal to help me find “Cher.” I will also write about other random thoughts as they come to me. I have a great sense of humor and welcome all comments or suggestions! Thanks for Reading! Just a little bit more about where my thoughts originate... As wretched of a sinner as I may be, I know that I will spend eternity with my Almighty Father in Heaven because I know that I will not lose my Salvation or personal relationship with Jesus Christ no matter how unfiltered I may be. Just the idea that I believe this is enough to make the people in my life who "love(d) me, care(d) about me, blah blah blah- so "butthurt" that it truly is comical. I wish that I felt differently about said people, but #SorryNotSorry! At this moment, I feel like laughing at them still. It will never cease to amaze me how they can hate me and talk so much shit about me yet be so engrossed in my everyday activity that they are literally obsessed with my life. Perhaps it is because these same people are the root cause of why I struggle with such torturous Panic & Anxiety, PTSD, depression, grief, and addiction. Oh goodness, there is that "A" word again that 99% of said people also have but are too damn ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. I truly hope they realize that everyone knows the truth and their attempts to cover the truth from everyone else have horribly failed. Some have tried to hide from the truth, others deny the truth while the rest justify their reason for being an addict of "something." The addictions I am referring to are very diverse and vary in nature. Some of them do not even possess the intelligence to realize that their "habits" are addictions. Some examples of these addictions are to food, money, stealing, taking narcotics (aka muscle relaxers for pain - a pretty way to fancy up the word 'narcotics",) alcohol, compulsive lying and gossiping. Even some have taken to the streets to fulfill their drug and sex addictions. Trust me, if it can be addicted to, it is by at least one of these said people. Each person I'm referring to has been, currently is or will be addicted to something in their lives! BTW, in case you haven't realized or had the enlightening, "said people" refers to every single person that has entered my life, including members of my "so-called" family and "friends" who are no longer a factor in my life by their choosing. Why? The answer is simple but for now, please allow me to digress. I'm sure you will learn plenty from my writings about these reasons. At this point in my life, I'm no longer practicing being a people pleaser and it is so rejuvenating. I've learned to employ my verbal, physical, emotional and mental right to these freedoms instead of stifling them in order to ensure that the people I love(d) and care(d) about can exercise theirs without fear of repercussion. Everyone is responsible and should be held accountable for their own actions while practicing or not practicing these rights. I've decided that now is the time to begin pleasing God and myself!
In conclusion, hang on. I promise this ride will be bumpy. If any of my writings speak to you personally, I am probably referring to you. Never assume that I will not take to my personal blog to discuss you by name, in great detail. I will include all the things you've done to torture myself and/or others and if you're lucky, I'll even mention positive things about you too, that's if they exist. I'll let my readers be the judge of this, however.
I pray for my #butthurt haters. It's truly sad that you carry such resentment around in your hearts and push the reasoning for your ignorance and self-hate on me. Let me assure you, my shoulders are strong. But I refuse to carry your shit any longer. So I graciously give it back to you to present when you must confess your sins, because, "one day every tongue will confess He is God and one day every knee shall bow." Good luck!
More about Cher.... I love Rumi! I love and read the Bible daily. Yes, the Bible. Not the little red book that lies dormant in the pews of every Catholic and Episcopalian church I've ever had the misfortune of going to or visiting. Also, I love music! All genres depending on my mood; EXCEPT Hip Hop. I just do not relate to this genre in any manner.