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Insecurity

A whirlwind of pity,
a loss of pride,
Extreme insecurity,
bound to my side.

A mountain of emotion,
a puddle of hope,
fear entwined,
no way to cope.

A complete disaster,
impossible to fix,
love and hate,
an impressible mix.

Remarkable outcome,
unspoken words,
actions shout,
no sound heard.

Toothpaste…Stronger than Hairspray

***Old blog taken from another blogging site I once used**

Friday, August 24, 2012

Toothpaste…. Stronger than Hairspray

I always thought that hairspray was the toughest thing around. It gets stuck to everything and takes some pretty good muscle grease to get it off. Of course, the removal of hairspray only comes after using every chemical in your cleaning cabinet. Well, my children have introduced me to something even more stubborn. TOOTHPASTE; Spongebob toothpaste to be specific…

First of all… I’ll never understand how two boys can make such a mess out of one tube of toothpaste. Can the directions get any easier? Hold and squeeze onto the toothbrush; that’s it… My children have turned their tube of toothpaste into the ketchup bottle, which I clean off on a daily basis. On busy days the ketchup bottle might get a couple cleanings because of the over abundance of use it received that day. Regardless, I’ve never got on the boy’s behinds about leaving a mess after using the ketchup, because I just tossed it up to the fact that “they are boys.” Well, this morning I realized the reason for their messiness is NOT just because “they are boys,” it’s simply that they are lazy. BEYOND LAZY!!!

This morning, I went upstairs after both boys had rushed out the door to meet their respective school buses. I went into the bathroom to do some laundry (yes, my washer and dryer are on the 2nd floor; in my bathroom) and accidentally glanced at the sink. What a mistake!!! At first, I was stunned that my boys had actually brushed their teeth BEFORE school. This is a major victory in itself. My excitement didn’t last very long, however. Upon further investigation, I determined that they didn’t brush their teeth, they brushed the sink!

The blue glue was smeared all over the sink itself and the poor toothpaste container was covered from top to bottom with the sticky mess. After a long sigh and a roll of the eyes, I began to “try” to clean the mess. Little did I know it was going to take 3 different cleaning products to remove all the toothpaste from the sink. As for the tube of toothpaste itself; forget it. I threw it right in the garbage. There was no way to save what was left nor did I want to do so.

So, in conclusion, mothers beware of the blue glue they market as “toothpaste.” It is tougher than Aqua Rock and it is bound to give you a headache as you engage in the tedious task of removing the junk from your porcelain.

A Letter To My Momma….

A Letter To My Momma….

***This blog was originally posted on an old blog of mine on Tuesday, November 20, 2012..***

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It’s unfathomable…. The fact that it is nearly three years since you’ve been gone is so hard to believe. It feels like just yesterday that I was able to call you and tell you all about Nickolas’ latest dilemma. (poor kid)… I think that he may have been the only child that baffled you when it came to understanding how or why a child would act in such inconsistent ways and the only child that you couldn’t advise the parent on what to do with “him/her.” LOL… I’m happy to tell you that over the past three years, Nickolas has certainly matured and doesn’t create the difficult dilemmas he once did and has grown up quite a bit. Obviously, because he is still a 14 year old boy he still does things that make me say, “wth???” but for the most part he is finding consistency in his life and even looking to the future discussing desires and goals. So that is a very big improvement since you’ve been gone.

You would be very proud of Isaiah for being such a determined, dedicated, and strong willed young man. At his current age of 12, he shows extreme determination when it comes to “finishing what he started” (such as following through with commitments for extra curricular activities) and dedication to Tang Soo Do training. He is now a 2nd Gup Red Belt which means that he should be able to test for black belt next September or March at the latest. His karate school is participating in a tournament that is being held in South Korea in 2014 (details to come soon) and Isaiah wants to go terribly bad! The downfall is that I have to financially support his desire to compete and I just don’t know how I can possibly come up with that kind of fiscal demand. I have some ideas but I’m waiting for more details from his Tang Soo Do Grand Master on the actual event to implement any kind of fundraiser at this time. I know that if there is any way I can ensure he be able to go and compete in South Korea where Tang Soo Do originated (which is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity), he’ll be there; along with at least myself and maybe Michael and Nick, too. Although karate is his biggest passion, Isaiah is in his 2nd year of playing the trumpet. He doesn’t seem to like or dislike it, so we are kind of in limbo as to his future in trumpet playing. It’s one of those things Michael and I are just waiting on to see if his desire increases or decreases over this school year. He is going to need a new trumpet next year, so he will have to make some kind of a decision by then, but for now he is in band at school with his first concert is scheduled for next month (December, 2012).

As for me, well, you know how it goes… I could always be better, but I can always be a lot worse, too. I struggle a lot without having you here to talk to about everything and anything. I never realized how much I of my life I shared with just you, until you weren’t here to share it with. I haven’t found anyone to replace your ears, however Michael’s mother tries very hard to accommodate my “mommy needs.” Bonnie still is a big help too, but no one will ever replace you and that’s something that I realize but have a hard time accepting, because I miss you so much that I wish someone could fill the void you left in my heart. I wish that when I called Gram or even Bonnie for that matter, that it would be just as good as if I were talking to you. They certainly go above and beyond anything I could ever ask for in terms of mother in laws, but you only have one “mom.” I think that is true of everyone, though. I don’t think anyone can fill the void left in someone’s heart when they leave this physical earth, especially that of a parent, sibling, or child. These bonds are simply just irreplaceable, as much as I hate to admit it.

Dad is doing okay, I suppose. I guess the best he can without you. I thank God everyday that he hasn’t turned into a hermit and isolated himself from the world and for the people that love him. He doesn’t seem to be angry with God for taking you home to be with Him, which makes me very happy. He lives his life one day at a time and simply does what makes him happy without much consideration for doing what would make other people happy. LOL… I don’t say that in a bad way, but he likes to smoke his cigarettes, drink his coffee, torture the employees at WaWa with his silly wit, eat what he wants, drink what he wants, and no one is going to change the way he lives; NO ONE! We (meaning Kelly, Brooke and I) try not to get on his case about his health because he has made it very clear that he doesn’t care about his health because he doesn’t care if he lives or dies. He just chooses to continue living life the way he wants to and if anyone doesn’t like it, “to hell with them”, lol. I totally understand his feelings and even though I wish he had a stronger desire to stay with us as long as possible, I want him to go home and be with you, where he truly wants to be, just as much. He is still the same Dad, willing to help out us kids anyway he can. He is still the same “Fa” or “Fa Ra”, telling his grandchildren to be bold and of course pushing his ideology of “men are better than women” into their curious little brain cells. He is still the same Brother in Law, checking in on Aunt Mary and spending time with her during the week on the avenue and staying in touch with Aunt Fran since Uncle Bruce passed away. He is still the same friend, going to dinner on Saturday nights with his 2nd family, lol. All in all, he does very well emotionally, but everyone knows that when you left him in this physical life to begin your eternal life with the Heavenly Father, you left a gigantic hole in his heart that again, could never be replaced by another. I know his misses you very much, but he doesn’t talk about it. He copes in his own way, just the way he always has and always will.

I talked to Aunt Mary a few days ago, which doesn’t happen as often as it should. I called her to ask her about a term that apparently is common knowledge, but I had never heard of it. To my dismay, she had heard of it and I had to suck it up and admit once again that Michael was right. LOL… Michael was certain you had used the term and therefore, I had to have known it and that everyone else in my family knows it. So, trying to prove him wrong, I called Aunt Mary for backup and well, like I said, backing down is what I got.. LOL… But anyway, whenever we talk, you always come up somehow. She misses you dearly and thinks of you often. She has very supportive children and what seem to be outstanding performing grandchildren that she has her focus on, but I know she misses you and Aunt Linda tremendously. Losing one sister has to be very traumatic, I can’t even imagine losing two sisters all within four months! I don’t even want to try and imagine her pain. She is a survivor, but she is 75 years old now and her aches and pains continue to get worse with age. She makes the best of her life as she always has and is a great support system for Dad. I know she will be very happy to be reunited with you one day, if her name is written in the our Heavenly Father’s Eternal Book of Life. Well, I’ve rambled enough. I just wanted to talk to you because this time of year is extra difficult for me! I talk to you every day, but sometimes it just feels better to talk to you through letters. I have a certain peace when I leave you notes, almost as if you are actually reading them. Who knows? Maybe you are, but I kind of think you’re a bit busy with your eternal family. Give my baby girl great big hugs and kisses for me!! 🙂 Also, please give my love to A. Linda, Mom-mom, Mam-mam, Pop-pop, Lisa, Adam, U. Bruce, Pap-pap, Gramps, Nana Mengel and anyone else you are able to from me… God still needs me here on this earth, but before you know it, I’ll be walking through those pearly gates and joining you in eternity.

I love and miss you so very much, Momma!!!!

Love Your Daughter
~Sherri

Posted by Sherri Mayne at 10:47 PM

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***CURRENT DAY***(07-28-17)

So who knew that four years and seven months later I would have a completely different outlook on most of what I wrote above. The fact of the matter is that as you become older; you become much wiser to the people in your life and their motives for being there. Let’s just say, none of this bullshit going on now would be happening if you were still here for several reasons, but mainly because no one would have the balls to do or say the things that they’ve done and said if you and/or Dad were still here… I know you would understand the adjustments that I’ve been forced to make in my life by the circumstances I’ve endured. This self entitled freedom being exercised by extended family members to involve themselves in our (meaning You, Dad, Kelly, Brooke and I) family’s personal family matters is entirely over the top and unacceptable! None of what has ever gone on within our 5 member family has been the business of theirs in the past nor should it be now, but since you and Dad are both gone, they have this ideation that their opinions matter, that they should verbalize their opinions and guarantee that by doing so, ensure that havoc is wreaked among the three of us because they barge in and choose sides. The only reason for this behavior is complete and utter jealousy!

The funniest part is that they only have been able to form an opinion based on hearsay and what they speculate to be the truth. It’s so fucking ridiculous! If they spent as much time taking care of the skeletons falling out of their own closets rather than focusing on mine, perhaps they wouldn’t be so quick to judge. One of these days I am going to publish that autobiography I’ve always talked about and God help all the people that have impacted my life creating difficulty and negative results for me. I didn’t need help having a difficult life so this new added shit is just adding fuel to my fire. When one mother learns how her daughter allowed me to get drunk and molested at the age of 12, we’ll see who gets the last laugh. Karma is a bitch! And like you always told me, “Good things come to those who wait, good things never come to late,” their waiting period is getting shorter and shorter as the days and my fuse burn away faster. 

I love and miss you so much, Mom! I pray that somehow you are able to hear my words and be the angel that saves me from just going off the deep end entirely and inflicting the same pain on these people that they’ve freely and happily have inflicted upon me. Rest well!

“Meant to Be” or “Not Meant to Be?”

(Originally published in Facebook Notes — Just copied it over to my blog- Original Post Date; September 9, 2016)

I guess it’s time to remind myself of a life lesson that I became very familiar with many moons ago because it’s become quite apparent I am not practicing this lesson right now in my every day life. It’s very easy to understand, but it has admittedly brought difficultly into my life more times than I care to count. Most people know or have at least heard the phrase, “if something isn’t meant to be, it simply just isn’t going to be” or some kind of statement relating to this. I’ve personally learned I can consume my entire life doing whatever I possibly can to reach a desire or a want because I truly believe I need it so bad in order to be happy. During these times, that life lesson I just spoke of suddenly disappears from my memory and I begin the downward spiral of letting myself go to extremes to obtain my ambition.

This is not my first rodeo with finding myself in this state of mind and I know how this story ends every single time. I’m usually not the only character in this story. There is usually someone else leading me to believe in something that is nothing more than a fantasy. The magnetism of whatever force is pulling me in and it is beyond vigorous. It is overwhelmingly in control of my destination and the actions I take to reach it. So how does the story end you ask? In time I come to my senses and realize that this captivation I am experiencing is just someone’s false front and the fictitious control was just my own obsession for something that was not meant to be. Every time I’ve encountered this story in my life it ends the same way. EVERY TIME! Reality sets in and the writing is clearly written on the wall and I end up muttering through life with that gut wrenching feeling of failure, emptiness and sometimes heart break. I’m talking about that horrendous feeling that just physically hits you so deep you feel the pain in every move you make.

So, if I know how this story ends, why do I let myself get so involved in situations that result in this ending? I know how this ending cripples my well being and I know the strength it takes for me to recover. I’ve summarized easily that this self sacrificing behavior happens to people who have struggles with not possessing self-confidence, self-esteem and self worth. They maintain the false hope that “maybe this time, this situation will defy the odds…” Hope, I hang on to hope like it’s gold! And for what? It doesn’t matter how much I want it! All situations have so many variables that determine the end result. I know hanging on to a hope, a desire, a goal, a change, anything really that always ends like this only prolongs and increases the pain when it’s time to throw in the proverbial towel.

When I am manipulated into the belief that something is “possible” or “meant to be”, I’ll try everything I can think of to ensure that this time, the saying was wrong and I finally beat the odds! LOL…

Crazy, right? I don’t like to fail. I know no one likes to fail but I have a serious issue with delving into things I want, doing everything I think is right to succeed and be happy only to have the rug pulled out right under my feet. So, to avoid failure and admitting defeat, I try harder, I give more, I convince myself that there has to be something I can do that will grant me what it is I’m seeking or wanting so bad. But… IT NEVER WORKS THAT WAY; AND I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY IN THE HELL I CONTINUE TO SET MYSELF UP TO GET HURT ALL THE TIME! IT’S SO FRUSTRATING TO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I CHOOSE TO ALLOW SITUATIONS INTO MY LIFE THAT I KNOW ARE “NOT MEANT TO BE” AND PROBABLY “SHOULDN’T BE MEANT TO BE” THAT ALWAYS END WITH ME GETTING HURT! I HATE THAT I DON’T BEAR THE ABILITY TO BARRICADE MYSELF FROM THINGS/PEOPLE/DESIRES THAT I KNOW ARE “NOT MEANT TO BE.” AS SOON AS I RECOGNIZE THAT FEELING OF WANTING TO “FORGET ABOUT IT” WHY CAN’T I WALK AWAY? I’M LOST FOR WORDS….

Whew… needed that rant. Sorry…

There is not an overnight cure for this irrational behavior. I’ve tried the “stay busy, don’t think about it, give it time, it’ll get better soon” routine more times than you can imagine. I can not train my heart nor my brain to grasp that type of behavior. I struggle so hard to not give up until I know there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do to make it “meant to be” or even “kind of meant to be.”

Those who know me know I like to utilize a simple statement when I see others blinded by a situation where they don’t have an understanding of the damage they are welcoming into their lives. Even after I spend hours advising these people that the choices they are making are only going to hurt them in the long wrong most still just don’t get it and I have to politely withdraw myself from the advisory board. I am able to walk away thinking to myself,” I’m sorry I tried, but I can’t fix stupid.” Ironically, today I find myself talking to myself saying, “I can’t fix me!” I hate when my own words come back and bite me.

In conclusion, it’s time to do some hard core self evaluating and find some sort of resolution to this very irritating behavior. I need to learn to trust my intuition from the beginning and not allow myself to get wrapped up in a “not meant to be” situation. It’s like dieting. You know what changes you have to make in life in order to lose weight, that’s the easy part. It’s the implementation that sinks you. I know I need to value myself a lot more than I do regardless of my looks and weight. Somewhere inside this enlarged shell is a really kind, loyal, funny, giving, caring girl. I just have to find her and make her grow up and stop allowing situations that are “not meant to be” or even “right for me” lure me into its captivity. I need to practice self assurance. I have to at least like me in order to conquer bad behavior to gain the attention of social graces. There is the plan… Well, some of it anyway…

***NOTE TO THE READER***

This is not the only behavior or life lesson I find myself battling. I’ve taken note however that each time I find myself in that downward spiral of just “forgetting about” my well being it’s because I’m in pursuit of something I know isn’t good or right for me, but I want it anyway even if it is going to hurt me or have a negative impact on my life in the future. It’s as if I’m self sabotaging. Is that even a thing?

Another subject to explore. Here I come Google….

It’s Not What You Think — Discover

“It’s possible that, along with grunge, Generation X’s other great gift to society is depression.” In his tribute to Chris Cornell, Rich Larsen reflects on despair, aging, and his generation’s struggles with mental health.

via It’s Not What You Think — Discover